When Self-Improvement Becomes Self-Destruction

Let’s get real: I grew up listening to self-help tapes.
Not music. Not stories. Self-help tapes.

From the age of eight or nine, every car trip was a motivational seminar on wheels—success gurus, personal development programs, you name it. My dad ran a consultancy company, so this was just… normal. I honestly thought everyone grew up like this.

Turns out, they didn’t.

The “Cult” I Didn’t Know I Was In

Fast forward to my time living in Bali, attending a mastermind event—ground zero for people obsessed with personal development. Then, a famous American self-help guru died. The news broke during the event, and the reaction was intense. People were genuinely mourning someone they’d never met. I didn’t even know who he was (in my defense, I was one of the only non-Americans there).

People were shocked. How could I not know him? How could I be in this space and not follow all the “right” teachers?

That’s when I realized: there’s a pop culture within self-improvement. Certain names, books, and teachers you’re supposed to know. If you don’t, you’re somehow… less committed.

It felt like too much.

Don’t get me wrong—I grew up with self-improvement and I admire a lot of people in this space. But there’s a huge difference between learning from someone and making them your entire identity.

The Never-Ending Optimization Trap

I’m not anti-self-improvement. I’m a coach. Growth is literally what I do for a living.
But there’s a line, and I’ve watched too many people cross it.

Some people’s lives revolve around optimization. Morning routines. Meditation schedules. Productivity hacks. Biohacking. Courses, certifications, workshops, retreats. Everything is about becoming “better.”

Honestly? It’s terrifying. Because perfection doesn’t exist. The more you learn, the more you realize you need to learn. It’s a never-ending spiral. For some people, that becomes the trap.

When Clients Become “Plastic”

I once worked with a brilliant, driven client—deeply committed to her growth. But at some point, she crossed the line. Every session was about the next course, the next upgrade, the next transformation. She was constantly “patching” herself, like software that’s never quite up to date.

And slowly, she started to lose herself.

It’s like those people who keep getting plastic surgery—one procedure leads to another, until they don’t even look like themselves anymore. She was doing the same thing, but with her personality and identity.

She became… plastic.

A couple of colleagues said, “You should be thrilled! She’ll keep paying you!”
No. I don’t want someone’s money if they’re stuck in a toxic spiral. I want them to actually live, not spend their whole life preparing to live.

The Wheel of Life: Why I Prefer 7s Over 10s

I use a tool called the Wheel of Life. Clients rate different areas (career, relationships, health, hobbies, finances, etc.) out of 10.

Some come to me with a few 10s and a bunch of 2s and 3s—they’ve poured everything into their career and neglected the rest. Others are chasing 10s in everything. Perfect career, body, relationships, mindset.

You know what I prefer? 7s across the board. Not perfect. Not optimized. Just… balanced. Good enough. Sustainable.

Perfection isn’t the goal. Living a life you actually enjoy—right now, not someday when you’ve “fixed” yourself—is the goal.

The Toxic Positivity Trap

Here’s what the self-improvement industry won’t tell you: you’re not broken.
You don’t need to be fixed, or do 47 courses to become worthy. You don’t need to meditate for an hour every morning to deserve happiness.

But the industry thrives on making you feel like you’re never enough. That if you just tried harder, read more, did more, you’d finally “arrive.”
Arrive where, exactly?

There’s no finish line. There’s no nirvana. There’s just… life. Messy, imperfect, beautifully flawed life.

And the irony? The people most obsessed with self-improvement are often the most miserable. They can’t enjoy anything because they’re too busy analyzing it, optimizing it, turning it into a lesson.

They’ve turned growth into a prison.

Lost?

Where’s the Line?

Self-improvement is healthy when it serves your life. It’s toxic when it becomes your life.

Growth should expand you, not consume you. It should make you more yourself, not someone else’s idea of “better.”

If you can’t enjoy a meal without tracking macros, can’t have a conversation without turning it into a “learning moment,” or feel guilty for resting—you’ve crossed the line.

The Most Radical Act of Self-Improvement

Maybe the most radical thing you can do right now is this:
Stop trying to fix yourself.

Accept that you’re a work in progress—and that’s okay.
Accept that you’ll never be perfect—and that’s okay too.
Growth isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about becoming more comfortable being you. Flaws and all.

So here’s my challenge:
Take a break. Just for a week.
No courses. No podcasts. No self-help books. No optimization.

Just… be.
See what happens.
You might be surprised.

Ready to grow without losing yourself?

If you’re tired of chasing perfection and ready to build a life that actually feels good—not just looks good on paper - let’s talk.

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